As we have discussed, the best way to avoid having to "disappear" or break contact with potential swap partners is to make sure their home is appropriate for you before you ask them to exchange with you. There is just no excuse for having to tell someone you can't swap with them because they list only one bedroom for your family of seven, or their six cats will irritate your allergies. Don't write to people whose homes are inappropriate for your family and you avoid uncomfortable situations later.
PRE-SELECT OR PAY THE CONSEQUENCES
If you find yourself having to drop contact with someone because you didn't read their listing, my sympathy for you is limited. Let's avoid spamming each other. The best you can do in a situation like this is acknowledge that their listing was clear but state that you are hoping they can provide a solution to a concern you had:
"I noticed that you have two bedrooms. We were hoping to invite Grandma and Grandpa to stay with us for two of the seven days we will be in your area. How do you feel about our having guests, and where would you suggest they sleep?"
This puts the ball in the other person's court. They may pleasantly surprise you and say "you're welcome to use our guest house" or "we have an in-law unit above our garage" or they may say "we're sorry, but our home cannot accommodate six people, even for a weekend." You must write one last time to say "thank you, but it sounds like this won't work out this time."
SELECTIVITY HAS ITS LIMITS
What if you did everything right? You pre-screened the listings and only wrote to a few families. They had the right number of bedrooms, were in the location you prefer, listed your town as their dream destination, and had the correct family/pet configuration for you to feel comfortable. You pre-selected so carefully that your first batch of emails went to only six listings. Of those, two wrote back saying they would love to swap with you.
Family A sounds great. Their son is the same age as your son and is willing to share his bicycle. They want to care for your cats and have one indoor cat for you to feed. They even want to swap cars, offering a minivan of about the same vintage as yours. The dates you propose are ideal for them. They had wonderful experiences on their other home exchanges and can provide glowing references.
The other response, from Family B, is less enticing. You want to tell them "no thanks" so you can concentrate on working out swap details with Family A. How do you do this politely?
One approach is to figure out why their offer isn't as appealing as Family A's. If it is something that was not clear in their listing, focus on that. For example, I have had a positive response from a family then clarified some details. How large was the group that would be in my home? "There are three of us -- well, four if you count my dog who travels everywhere with me." Yes, I do count the dog, and it won't be traveling here. We don't tell our swap partners that our pet will be in their home. Bringing a pet to someone's home is a huge favor they are free to refuse. In this instance I was very apologetic: "I'm so sorry, but dogs are not allowed in our building." However, I will never consider that swap partner again. Even if she says she will board her dog it is hard to trust someone who assumes her dog can be in my home.
If you can't put your finger on why you are uncomfortable, keep asking detailed questions until you find something specific that won't work, then let the exchanger know you must look elsewhere. Make sure your concern is something neutral that can't be changed. It can be as simple as "where is your home in relation to [local attraction]?" If it's "too far" that doesn't insult them, wasn't apparent from your close reading of their listing (their specific address was not listed) and isn't something they can change. It's perfectly pleasant to say "Thanks for letting us know your location. We were looking for something closer to [destination]. I'm sorry this won't work out." It isn't as nice to say "You come across as irresponsible and flaky. We're going to look elsewhere for our swap."
Your responsibility is to read the other person's listing. But if you are not comfortable with someone, don't exchange with them. Just let them know you won't be pursuing a swap. Don't just disappear.
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